Most people think of life as being full of gradual growth and development, and that's true. Other people think we develop all of a sudden in bursts, and that's true, too. I've been aware of my growth into adulthood as being very gradual, slowly changing and maturing a little every day with each new experience, but sometimes things happen suddenly that impose maturity onto me. I learn new things about the bigger picture of my life that cause me to take on more responsibility, to want to be able to contribute more to my family and to the world as only an adult can. I used to really struggle with getting along with my mom, and in middle school and high school I couldn't understand why she pushed me so hard and was always nagging me about trying harder and doing better. Didn't she care about me or my problems? Why couldn't she just lay off me for once and be reasonable? But after I was in the home stretch, senior year, I was finally able to see what she could see, for what she had been trying to prepare me the entire time: The Future. Now, as a second-year university student, I'm leaving my childhood farther and farther behind. Gone are the days when I could lie around my room and ignore my schoolwork, absorbed by video games or anime for five to eight hours a day; I don't have that kind of luxury. Lately video games hold my attention less and less, and I can't play for more than an hour or two at a time--something I thought would never happen, but it's actually a good thing for me, because I need to start acting my age and focus on much more important things. (That isn't to say I've completely sworn off gaming and that I'll sell all my games and systems, but I'm really only going to keep following the games in which I've invested a lot of emotion and/or hold great nostalgic value, like Kingdom Hearts, Pokemon, The World Ends With You, anything FFVII-related that they might--but probably won't--do, possibly Rune Factory.) I have the potential to become a new root of success and achievement in my family, to make my mom proud, to show my extended family that I can rise up and be a big fish in a large ocean. I know what my goals are, and now I have to start working hard to make my dreams (and the dreams of those I love) become a reality.
I know all this, but it's still hard to get into gear. Lately there are so many things that I want to start doing that I had never even considered before, like sewing plushies and cosplay outfits, and even trying to cosplay myself. For awhile I was almost seriously considering dropping school or getting a business major in order to try and run my own props/cosplay needs store, because I liked the thought of being able to provide people with items that they wanted in order to indulge their otaku-/fanbrat-ism, and at the same time show off my artistic/craftsy skills. These ideas were all so new and exciting, and I was feeling motivated to try hard to make it work, but the reality is that I would have an extremely rough time along that path. I have no professional sewing/designing skills, due to lousy circumstances, for which I am totally to blame, I can't hold down enough money to use to buy materials, and the fact that I would want to make things that would only appeal to a niche group of people made that specific choice a really bad one. I definitely want to keep on sewing and improving my skills, but for now it'll just have to be a hobby that I can perhaps make a little pocket money doing.
In the end, I just need frequent reality checks to keep me anchored to the path on which I need to stay. My life will be fulfilling if I can become someone of whom my mom is extremely proud, if I can give back to the people who have given me the opportunities to have a bright future ahead of me, and, lastly, if I can get enjoyment out of living. Those are my priorities, my general plan for my future, and I pray that I can stay focused and do my best to get there.
